Ever had the chance to be so attached to someone and then suddenly felt like knives are thrown back at you? You feel so down, you feel skinned and breaking apart. Like every word they say slowly rip and tear your pieces apart?
You find yourself lost from things you've shared, plans you've created with people. All those things you've ever went through? All of them seems blurry and so unreal to you. You find yourself asking, "When?". When did they ever start being untrue to you? When were their words true? When did things started to change? Or worse, was everything just a prank? A show off? Just pretentions so they can use you and hurt you when you're not useful anymore?
I have and it's the most excruciating pain I have ever felt. They say failed relationship hurts but I say failed friendship hurts more. Specially if you have opened up yourself, have always been caring and wants nothing but the good for them -- and then they break you and pretend you never have existed. Worse, they see you and portray you as a bad person when all you ever did was care for them - maybe a little too much than you should have.
But just like every heartache, there are lessons that we can get from the most painful experiences we have. It may take a while to see because your thoughts are clouded by the pain and tears but for as long as we choose to, we'll heal and we'll realize a lot of things not only about people but about ourselves too.
Friendship isn't measured in time. 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, or even 5 years of friendship doesn't mean a thing if someone would ever feel like betraying you or turning their back on you. We often think that the amount of time we spent with people sometimes strengthens our bond with them but once you got betrayed, it slaps you right in the face that it doesn't. We feel comfortable and attached to people the longer we stay and keep them and I've learned it's not all the same with others I realized that the length of your friendship doesn't really matter to those who doesn't see you as their friend anymore. It doesn't exempt you or reassure you that you wouldn't get stabbed in your back by that friend you've been with for so long. It made me realize that there are those people who will only see you as a friend when it is favorable to them. And if you aren't, they will either go quietly or break you apart by breaking your trust. It's sad and it would hurt so much to know that someone you've known for so long would be the one to make you suffer but we have to know that there are those who comes in our life to be just lessons we have to learn, may it be on the hardest and most painful way possible.
It's never wrong to choose who you open up to. Yes, it's never wrong to do that. It's never wrong to keep things to yourself, never wrong to guard your heart and yourself. One takes time to see who actually wants to know her. And you can't be an open book to anyone because there are things that we keep to ourselves, or we trust to those closest to us. It is never wrong to choose who we show everything of us. Friendship takes time, it needs time to grow. It also needs trust, it has to build trust. We sometimes get scared of opening up and there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong on feeling the need to safeguard your heart and be cautious with whom to give your trust. We only have to be vulnerable to those who, even with the power to break us with the things they knoe about us, won't ever dare to try because we mean as much as. As you mature, you'll realize it's quality over quantity. You tend to choose who you want to be around or who you want to surround yourself with because that is healthier for you.
Not everyone is meant to stay because not everyone who talks to you actually cares. Letting go is a hard thing to do. Losing someone is a heartbreaking thing to ever experience. And sometimes, we tend to hold on to people because we love and cherish them too much even though they have repeatedly hurt us. We swallow our pride and chase people because we want them to stay. But I realized this is wrong, specially to those who have repeatedly hurt you. I realized that not everyone who talks to you actually cares. Consistency is needed in any relationship. One would care at first but will somehow get tired of you - of your dramas or of your weaknesses. And that's where it hit me. It made me realized that if they want to stay, they would. I wouldn't have to chase them back. And if they truly care, they wouldn't have done the same thing over and over again if they know how it would pain or affect me. I learned that people will stay no matter how hard you are to handle because they want to keep you as well. You wouldn't have to beg for their time or attention or always be the person to chase and approach them just to be able to talk or be with them.
Seek for a friendship that drives you to do good and be better. Most of the time, we want the kind of friendship where we can have fun, laugh and goof around. One we can make adventures with. One who would explore the world and enjoy life with you. We sometimes focus too much on fun and excitement that we forget about self-growth and self-improvement. We look for friendship that praises us that we tend to shut the ones that criticize us for the things we do wrong. We seek for friendship that will validate our worth and we tend to forget that our worth doesn't need validations. I realized that the kind of friendship we should have is those that opens our eyes to what we can and should offer to others and to ourselves. One that influences us to stand up to our mistakes. One that pushes us to improve our shortcomings. One that inspires us to reach for our goals. We need the kind of friendship that helps us grow to someone better not just the friendship that will help us have fun, get hooked, get laid or spontaneously let us do whatever we want without thinking of it's effect on people and to ourselves. When we find that kind of friendship, keep it. It is too rare to find someone who would be as supportive and as encouraging to you with what you want to become.
Betrayal leads to great discoveries. And finally, betrayal leads to discoveries. It opens our eyes to things far beyond the pain and tears. It helps us discover those who are true to us. The nights you cry will reveal who would be there with you at 3am trying to calm you down. Who would give you the craziest advice or who's gonna help you to stay on track and never lose focus on the things you want and things you have. It leads you to learn how to appreciate more those who stayed and moreso what you have. It leads you to self-discoveries. The things you don't know about yourself or the things you once thought you can't do; all these you'll somehow discover in getting betrayed. It'd help you discover better things waiting for you. It'd help you realize better things you want for yourself. It would help you seek to be better and do better things for yourself.
Nobody ever wants to get betrayed to or lied to but it is something we never have control of. We choose who trust but they choose whether to break it or not. We choose who we open up to but it's them who will choose whether it would mean something to them or not. We don't have control on how they'll treat us but we sure do have control on how we'll let them treat us. And when they betray us, we have the power to control how it will affect us. And that's what I did. I do not want my life to be filled with anger or resentment, neither do I want to cage myself out of fear that I might get betrayed again. I just learned to protect my heart a little more because for me, those who truly care will always consider how you would feel before they do anything that concerns or would affect you. I learned that I should continue the way I treat others.
And I know one day, I'll meet a few more people that would accept me for what I am and would never ever break the trust I give. Someone who would want the same thing as I do - a long-lasting-kind of real friendship.