I used to spend time asking why people keep breaking me. I repeatedly ask this question wishing I could get the answer. I repeatedly ask this question as if it would put an end to this repetitive situations where I find myself brutally hurt and broken. It's so energy-draining how gou tru your best to be good and do good to people and always find yourself being betrayed. If it happenes once, you sure can handle it. But if it happens more often that you ever thought of and it's with the one you are closest to, it hits you down the core and leaves you totally hanging. It leaves you asking where did you go wrong, whag you did wrong, what you didn't do, if you aren't enough or if that is what you deserve. It takes so much of your energy trying to understand why it happen to you; why you have to be hurt this way, and; why you have to go through all this over and over again.
I lost track of the times I have those questions on my mind. Fear got the best of me going through all that. You know, it just gets to you that you get so afraid to be close to people. It makes you scared of making connections and building realtionship. I lost track of the times I stay late at night, trying to figure out why I have to go through all this. I lost track of the number of times I feel so lifeless, breathing but not living. I lost track of the number of times I feel like giving up and just want to end all the misery. I lost track of the number of times I feel like shutting my brains down and taking my heart off my chest so I could stop feeling and thinkinf. I lost count of the times I wish I could do that because I know I can't. I lost count of the times I get caught in the dark and feel how torturous it is to feel so little and so insignificant. I lost count of the days I drown myself in self-pity and seld-blame; because for me, that time, I was undeserving of all the good. Because for me, that time, I was of no significance at all.
And then one day, I woke up feeling tired. Tired of what I feel, of what people are doing to me. I woke up feeling so drained of my thoughts. I woke up feeling my brain so damn tired of trying to figure out everything. I woke up feeling my heart so tired of me, trying to break it all apart even more. That day I woke up realizing all those things has to stop. I woke up wanting everything to freeze and vanish. I woke up wanting to escape everything I was in; moreso, everything I put myself into. That day I woke up feeling the need to be something different. That day I woke up with the decision that I am going to forgive myself. That day I woke up with the will to let go. That day, I woke up choosing myself now. That day, I chose myself. And that day was the start of my brand new start; my new life; my new chance; my kick-off to a better life.
What did it mean to choose myself? Why did I have to chose myself? Where will choosing myself take me? It was a decision that is made up of a mixture of will, hope, courage and acceptance. It was a decision that will change the remaining of my lifetime.
Choosing myself was a decision that led me to realize so much of how I see myself and how it would curve the way I look into life. It taught me so many things but this five things made the greatest impact in how I become who I am today.
Choosing myself means I won't be defined by what others want me to be or what others think of me. The first thing I realized when I chose myself is the time I spent to prove myself to others. I realized I have spent so much of my time trying to show them that I am a good person. I worked so hard to show them I am worth keeping. Nah, I think I worked so hard that time simply because I want to keep them in my life so I did all that I can to make them stay. I did the things they want. I made myself how they like me to be. I made their opinions so valid that it was my guide to how and what I should be. But still, it wasn't enough because they either betrayed me or left me. I still found myself broken despite all the things I did. They still left and hurt me even when I changed myself for them. And the moment I chose myself, I realized that I should never do that to myself. I am the captain of my life. I will be what I want to be without having others have the control over me. I chose not to let society or other people's standard tell me how I should be. I wasn't going to be someone who builds herself through the eyes of others. I was going to be someone that I will be proud of, that was what I told myself. Choosing myself helped me realized that I should give others the power to define me. Their words should never be my basis. It should never be about pleasing them so they would keep me. Because in choosing myself, I realized as well that if they really do treat me as someone important and sees the good in me, they will choose me as well.
Choosing myself means I won't let them make my feelings be invalid. The hardest part of all this is feeling so wrong about myself. It was the thought that what I feel is wrong or that I do not have the right to feel that way. It was such an emotional torture for me trying to tell others how I feel but then find myself like I am at the wrong end of the line always. My feelings that time were all invalid just because they get upset or doesn't pay attention to it. Imagine saying how you feel when you're hurt or sad, expecting to somehow get an apology or have someone be by your side because that is what you needed but in the end find yourself alone and more depressed. Why? Because when you tell them how you feel, they get angry. They get angry because you make them feel bad. They get angry because you tell them their mistake that they can't ever admit or see. They get angry because you step on their ego. They get angry because they know you will and can set aside your feelings if they say they dont want to talk anymore. You get depressed because even when you tell them how you feel, you either don't get a response or they tell you to not be dramatic or overly sensitive. They just shrug you off, making you think what you feel is invalid and insignificant.
Choosing myself meant I will no longer invalidate my own feelings just because I am scared that they won't talk to me. Choosing myself made me realize I shouldn't be the person who ignores how I feel just because I don't want that person mad at me. Because I realized if someone truly cares for you, they will not only listen but understand. They will be there not only when you're at your best but more when at you're at your worst. Because I realized that if someone really loves and accepts you, your feelings will be a priority. Above all, choosing myself helped me realized that I am the first person who should most give importance and attention to my own feelings. What I should feel or why I should feel it shouldn't be depended on anyone's definition or opinion. It should be me and not somebody else who pays attention to my emotional stability.
Choosing myself means I won't let them abuse me and everything I give just because I do not want to lose them. You know when people say if you love and truly care for someone, you forgive them no matter how much they hurt you. That you give them multiple chances because you love them. You extend your patience and understanding because you want them in your life. You suck up all the pain because you are willing to work things out. You cry the sadness at night away because you don't want to give up. You fake your smile and tell them everything is okay because you don't want to lose them. You let yourself be abuse you so badly. You forgive and let them act like they did nothing wrong or that you're okay. Their words cut you deep but you still think they don't mean it. You always shrug things off your shoulder even when you are being slapped by the truth. You look away because you see what they're doing but you just keep on pretending that you didn't see it. Or maybe because you hold on to that tiny hope of yours that they will change, or that you can fix it and that you can work it out. Choosing myself meant all of these things had to stop. Choosing myself made me realize that I can never let someone abuse me through their actions and words specially when I know I am giving my best. It taught me that I shouldnt keep on emptying myself to fill their cup. I shouldn't be doing that to myself specially when those I do it for don't even appreciate what I do. I shouldn't be doing that for people who doesn't even bother considering how I feel or how I would feel with their words and actions. Choosing myself made me realize that if someone truly wants to be with you, they wouldn't empty you. They wouldn't make you lose yourself. If they want to keep you, it is them who would do their best to keep you. If they really love you, it is them that will pour themselves to you. It is in choosing myself that I realize I couldn't be the first person to ever abuse myself.
Choosing myself means I give the utmost respect and love I so freely give other first to myself. All the things that I have learned by choosing myself lead me to realizing this. Choosing myself made me realize that the person who most deserve the love I give to others is none other than myself. They say what you can't give to yourself, you can't give to others. I disagree. I have loved people so deeply even when it meant not loving myself the same way. Or even when it led me to not love myself or to love myself so little or less than I do before. It made me realize that what I give to others, I should give to myself. It made me realized that not because people broke or hurt me means I dont deserve the love, that I am undeserving of love. It is the time where I need to love myself more - to love myself the most. Choosing myself means I should be the first person to love who and what I am. Choosing myself means loving myself more when I am broken and alone. Choosing myself made me realize that I do deserve what I give, not only from others but from myself the most.
Lastly, choosing myself means I choose my battles. Choosing myself means I am choosing what is better for me and what will help me become better. When all the pain had caught up with me and all my bottled up emotions almost ready to explode, I saw myself at the edge and was on breaking point. It was a moment I never want to go back at that's why I told myself that I wouldn't. I told myself that if I choose myself this time, I would never have to be in this situation ever again. And I did, I did chose myself and it taught me how I should choose my battles. It taught me how I should choose who I should give my energy to. Choosing myself lead me to a stronger will of becoming better. It was a time where I felt tired but at the same time courageous enough to let go of the things that's been either pulling me down or tearing me apart. It was a moment of tranquility where suddenly everything in me was in the same page - every bit of me wanting to feel better and be better. Every bit of me wanting to do better in life. Choosing myself have redirected me to a place where I found myself again. I found the old me that I had to let go, the present me that I have to forgive and the future me that I have to work on. Choosing myself had shown me a different path on how I see myself and how I should be treating myself. Choosing myself taught me to let go of everything that is hurting, have more faith in what's coming and to keep on fighting because I deserve better. Because I should give myself something better.
Choosing myself means that I have accepted myself. That no words of hate and prejudice can ever make me give up on myself. Choosing myself taught me that I choose who to let in and who I give my energy to. It made me realize that I should only welcome what is good and healthy for me. That not everyone matters so what they think of me shouldn't define what I should be. Choosing myself help me love myself more. It showed me that I should never let anyone have control or power on how I should live my life and what I should be in life. Choosing myself gave me the courage to be myself and be not afraid to do what makes me happy. It gave me the strength overcome the fear of what others will and has to say about me. Choosing myself means I do not have to please anyone to be happy, to feel loved and be accepted. Choosing myself made me break the chains that have imprisoned me in the dark for so long. Choosing myself have freed me to what's keeping me from growing into the person I was meant to become.
Choosing myself means I am me and I will continue to be me. And that those who truly loves me will always support me in becoming better and being happy for what I have turned out to be. Choosing myself means I will continue to grow and be someone I will be always proud of. Choosing myself means I should never let anyone say I shouldn't be "me".