I once came to a point where I don't want to exist anymore. That if the invisibility cloak does exist, I would have prayed that it's be given to me. I came to a point where I just wanna shut down, or perhaps sleep till everything negative I feel disappears.
But life doesn't work that way. And even if I've tried so many times to divert my attention to something else, it just catches up on me. And I realized that there's nothing much I can do but try and try til I get a hold of myself and fight my way through.
It's not as easy as it seems. I have found myself battling my own self, trying to fight my own thoughts, trying to reason out against myself. I realized it was I who was my greatest enemy at the moment. What I feed to myself is what makes me what I am.
So slowly, I tried to figure out what was best for me. It was a decision I have to make because I can no longer beat myself up for the things I can not change. I can no longer let the negativity eat me up so no matter how hard it is, I have to find a way - to fight this all the way.
I don't know how I started but I know where I started. I started by changing the environment I was in. It was a leap of change - hard but something I am willed to do for good. It's a change of lifestyle but it made breathing so easier once I chose what was going to help me.
Cutting people out was one of the things that helped me in the road I have decided to take on. The girl who once give so many chances to others have learned to choose who those chances are worth giving. The girl who swallows her pride so not to lose people learn that those who wouldn't want to lose me wouldn't do things that will lead to that. That those who would want to stay would stay without wanting me to chase them. Gone is the girl who would set aside how she feels just not to hurt people even when she's already breaking and none of them even pays attention.
Letting go is a hard thing to do but there are things, people, that you have to when they don't help you in your self improvement because all you feel is worthlessness and unworthiness when they are around. Letting go is hard but it's harder to repeatedly lose yourself over people who doesn't even care if they lose you.
I also realized it was about fighting my own self that helped me through. It was about putting myself first. I stopped wishing that people would put me first because I already put myself first. I didn't need anyone's validation of what I should do, moreso what I should be because I am me and I should live my life for me - to be better than the yesterday's version of me.
I stopped torturing myself just because people won't do the same things that I do to them. I started to do things for myself and live knowing I am worthy to those who truly see, know and accept me. I stopped being the reason why I cry myself to sleep because I let people have control over me. I stopped harassing myself just because people hurt me. I stopped questioning and doubting myself because I know I can do better than all the hurtful things and words they throw at me.
Lastly, I kept the love in me. I realized that I shouldn't let pain stop me from sharing the love I have. I realized that I shouldn't let fear hinder me from growing and exploring more about life. I realized that I shouldn't let anger overpower the goodness of my heart. And finally, I realized that I shouldn't let the past control my future. For as long as I keep love grow in me, my faith strong and my intentions pure, I would be able to overcome whatever comes my way in the future. That for as long as I stay true to myself and to those who have stayed by my side, life would be so much better.
I decided not to lose hope and look forward to new beginnings awaiting ahead of me.