I haven't experienced snow or what they say negative temperature during winter. I have felt the coldness winter bring on the Western. But I do experience winter in Asia, when the last quarter of the year starts and the Christmas season begins.
I only remember winter because of the Christmas season. I remember it when my night become longer and I can feel the change of weather - from humid to the cold breeze that touches my skin in the wee hours of the day til morning. I remember it as a season to be excited about gift giving and the birth of Jesus Christ.
But I have one specific winter memory that I hold close to my heart. It was the winter of 2016, a winter that felt the coldest of all the winter I have ever had. It's been a year since 2016 since I quit my job because I got sick. Staying home has put me into a state of depression where I question what my life would be not being able to work at all. The meds are adding to my anxiety because having to take 4-5 meds makes me want to puke and dizzy and it's taking out all my energy for the last 2 years since getting sick in 2014. That December was the hardest of it all. That 2016 winter took every energy I have left in me. Thinking of gift giving made me sad. Why? I didn't have the capability to give anything to anyone - not even to the kids that take me as their godparent. Those kids who look forward to the Christmas and the gifts that give them joy; the idea of not being able to give them that made me really sad.
It was one of the hardest knowing after I fought hard, I found out that I am still sick and had to retake my medications again. It's been a excruciating battle and I was starting to question what I did wrong or what I didn't do when I know myself I did what I needed so to feel well. I already felt like I was really going through the hardest time of my life that time. But something that happen made me realize, I wasn't.
I have a friend which I hold close to my heart. I have this bond with this person that I feel like she's really a family to me. I plan to keep her and wanted to keep her in my life - that's how important she was to me. Until one day, I found myself shattered more by that person I wanted to keep by my side all the time. I found myself betrayed by the one person I never thought would ever put me in a situation she knew I have gone through repeatedly. She who has seen me being betrayed and used by people, I never thought not even once, that she will be the one who would make me feel lost again.
The winter breeze blew colder in me. I lost count of the nights I cried and didn't sleep because I stayed up feeling the pain of what she did. She didn't only turn her back on me but also painted me as someone evil and bad when all I did to her and for her was to be there, all the time. I was left asking questions of what I did to deserve the pain she has caused me. I found myself more depressed and more broken than I already feel the past few months.
I shut myself out. I was too scared and too scarred. I kept things to myself. I cried to God every night because I was already tired - I was at the edge of breaking apart and giving up. And then someone came. He was someone I never thought would pay so much attention or would even notice the things I hide. He asked me what happened, moreso what I was feeling because I was so good at hiding, no one usually notices how I feel or if anything is bothering -- until he came, until he did. I was hesistant but he was persistent. And so I told him. I wasn't expecting anything. I was at the point where I think so low of myself that I believe no one would ever care not accept me anymore. But it was different with him, he made me feel accepted. I didn't have to pretend to him. I showed how vulnerable I am, how broken and how lost I am.
He made me feel like he's all ears in listening to me, open in understanding me and all heart in making me feel better. He put so much effort in making me feel better. And I found myself feeling that way. It wasn't easy for him at all. I became a hard shell to crack - to crack away from the fear of getting hurt again.
He made me realize so much - of what happened and of myself. He helped me see how I was being hard on myself. On how I chose to give people the power to have this effect on me. On how I have made myself go through the pain and get stuck on where I was. He made me remember the goodness in me. He made me see the goodness that there still is around me. That winter which I see and feel eas the coldest became warm. As the year was ending -- my suffering was ending too.
He slowly pulled me out of the dark. On that winter, he made me feel the warmth I have been missing, wishing, craving and praying hard to feel once again. On that winter, he became that light that took me out of the dark. On that winter, he became the spark that lit up the fire that has died inside me.
That winter became the turning point of my life. It became the chance for me to restart once again. It became the time where I chose myself. Winter was supposed to be cold, I thought it was my coldest winter, but it turned out to be the warmest. I found myself letting go, of the coldness I feel inside because of fear. I found myself freeing myself from the coldness I gave myself and put myself to. I found myself choosing what is better for me. It was the day I found myself smiling genuinely again because through God and him, I found myself again. I found the strength to try and start living again the best that I can.
The winter breeze blew, it still felt cold as it touched my skin, but my heart felt warmer and lighter. That winter is is still cold but it's the warmest time I ever felt so in my life.
It was a winter that felt like summer for being warm.
It was a winter that felt like fall because I was letting of all the bac things go.
It was a winter that felt like spring because it was the start of an amzing journey for me.